The Battle of the Moms

I follow a lot of mom pages and I love to read the comments. Here’s how the scenario always goes: Post on something mom/child related = commenters saying that they didn’t do that and everything was still okay, and that posts favoring one thing create a dividing line between moms who make different choices.

Why is it that praising one choice automatically means criticizing the other? Does one mom telling her story really mean that you have to jump in and compare notes so that everyone knows that the way you did it was totally fine? Why are moms so quick to be on the defensive?

I get it. We are judged A LOT. With everything you do there is someone out there to tell you that you are doing it wrong. But we need to stop being so sensitive.

I  breastfed my daughter until she was 10 months old, just shy of my 1 year goal. Anyone who has ever attempted nursing will tell you how hard it is, how much emotion it takes out of you, how much crying is involved in the beginning, how physically draining it is. I am so proud of myself for fighting through the exhausting nights and the tears and trailing on. I wasn’t sure I’d make it to 6 weeks when I first started, so 10 months is something to celebrate.

So it begs the question, does sharing my accomplishment and pride demean the moms who nursed for less time or formula fed? It shouldn’t, right? Moms should be able to feel proud about what they have done without worrying about offending someone else’s parenting choice.

I think this especially is bizarre when it comes to praising a mother who has nursed. Cue formula mom saying her kids turned out fine and she was too stressed nursing so she’s a better mom for giving it up. I’ve read that a million times and I am not arguing that what they are saying isn’t true. Yes your kids are fine, yes nursing is stressful. But shouldn’t the fact that you know how hard it is make you want to praise the mother who stuck it out instead of rolling your eyes at her story because you chose a different way?

Perhaps it is threatening. When moms see that another mom made a different choice than she did, it threatens the idea that she did the right thing. Whether you nursed or formula fed, stayed at home or worked, co-slept or sleep trained, coming into contact with a mom who did the opposite tends to open up a polite battle of the decisions we’ve made. Justifications and outcomes get slipped into conversation.

Why is it so hard to just accept that someone can make a different choice and that doesn’t mean that you have to vocally defend the one you made? As mothers I do not think we will ever stop questioning the decisions we make because we truly want to make the best choices for our children. But let’s stop running to our own defense, stop feeling like you are being attacked because someone else is getting a high five for a different choice.

It is obviously a different story if someone is bashing the other side, then by all means come to your defense! But please, let’s stop finding the need to point out that you did it different.

 

Excuses, Excuses

My first semester back at law school after having my daughter was a tough one. I found myself stressing out over finding the balance of studying enough while also enjoying every minute of my little nugget. Between reading for class, writing papers, organizing notes, and attending class, I was also nursing, changing diapers, doing dishes, playing on the floor, and tending to the cold season.

I tried reading while she played. I would read a paragraph, then look down at my heart sitting right in front of me, and close the book. This back and forth made me feel guilty. Guilty that I was studying instead of engaging with my child, guilty that I was playing with her instead of studying. It made for a hard semester that I could not wait to end. I kept telling myself that just because I have a baby, that is not an excuse to not finish my reading, or to skip a class. And then I realized that it is.

Having a baby is an excuse. For everything? God no. But I realized that I was fighting the reality of the fact that having a baby will make doing everything harder. Not impossible, harder.

It is an amazing revelation to have. “I have a baby/toddler/kid(s)….sorry, not sorry.” Is this the same sweatshirt I have been wearing for 3 days? Yep, I have a baby. Has my hair been in a ponytail for a week? Yep, I have a baby. Am I crying at a commercial with a baby crawling around? Yep, I have a baby. Are there dishes in my sink? Yep, I have a baby.

My second semester back is now almost over, and I have enjoyed it so much more. I leave reading to nap times and finish up when she goes to bed (when I’m not too tired to focus). I put in some hours on the weekend when my husband is home to distract our daughter. But I stopped feeling guilty if I don’t. If I’m not prepared for class because my daughter was having a fussy day, then all well. What ended up happening is that I am actually more prepared for class  and have a higher rate of attendance. And if I get a B instead of an A, or a C instead of a B, because I spent more time with my daughter, that trade is worth it to with me.

#IHAVEABABY

Healthy Swapping for Toddler Eating (And Yours)

To start, I’d like to point out that I am not a nutritionist. Sure, I took nutrition in college and have done research on my own, but I am no expert. However, I do know at least the basics and have tried to find easy ways to eat healthy in our everyday lives.

By “every day lives”, I mean figuring out healthy, easy meals that we can assemble in between work, law school, and a toddler. I am not sautéing fresh veggies everyday. Not even every week. But I have resorted to some easy swaps to get a healthier version of something else I would have bought. And the best part is that they are yummy.

SWAP:: Frozen Waffles, the food that inspired this post.  Instead of buying Ego’s swap for Van’s or Nature’s Path instead. They are usually dairy free, non-gmo, and have healthy grains like quinoa and amaranth hidden inside. My favorite is Nature’s Path Chia Plus. When I first made them they smelled so good, just like chocolate chip, that I had to double check the box to make sure I bought the right ones. I love them, my husband loves them, my daughter loves them. We buy from Target.

SWAP:: Butter. This is a swap I really think everyone could do and not even notice. Earth Balance non-dairy butter tastes exactly like the real deal. Except theres no cholesterol, or animal suffering, win win!

SWAP:: Jelly. Jelly is usually full of sugar, but it’s yummy so if you are going to use it, might as well get some extra nutrition out of it by swapping for a chia spread instead. Or sprinkle chia seeds over your old jelly 🙂

SWAP:: Frozen veggies for fresh. Ugh, I hate that I even said that. Fresh is always best. ALWAYS. But…they go bad quickly and if you end up not having time to make them within the first so many days you bought them, they go bad and you wasted money, which is what was happening to us. So, I closed my eyes and bought frozen veggies, and we actually make them. The positives: they are already cut up, can stay in your freezer for a while, and you can make them in the microwave. I like the sauté taste on a veggie, so we usually defrost in the microwave and then toss them on the stove in olive oil, garlic salt, and onion powder. My toddler eats them up.

SWAP: Milk. I could write an entire post on why cow’s milk is bad for you, maybe I will. 🙂 But swapping this out for Almond, Soy, Cashew, Hemp, or any other milk substitute will be one of the healthiest choices you make. You will feel better, your kids will feel better. This is one thing I really encourage research on. Milk is how “The China Study” first got its’ start. (Look that up too if you don’t know what that is). I’m not a conspiracy theorist on anything else, but there is definitely an abuse of power in what the media and government recommends for dairy intake versus what researchers actually recommend.

SWAP: Lunch Meat for Chickpeas. Spring and summer just beg for a sandwich. Even if you aren’t vegetarian or vegan, you have probably heard that lunch meat is one of the worst meat choices you can make. Chickpeas contain 15g of protein per cup. I mix them with Just Mayo, and add onion powder, garlic salt, and dill. Then I mix with black olives, top it on some whole wheat bread and add some fresh spinach. Yummy for mama, and my toddler loves eating the chickpea mix sans the sandwich.

SWAP:: Pick the vegan option.  I have to say it, because I am vegan, and because if you are faced with a vegan and non-vegan option, the vegan is probably healthier. My example: frozen macaroni and cheese. Either way it is not the healthiest option right? Most frozen meals are full of sodium. But if you have to choose, the vegan option is healthier. Why?: No cholesterol, no animal fat, usually organic and non-gmo.

Another example: Mayo. Try Just Mayo from Hampton Creek or Veganaise from Follow Your Heart. You might think the vegan option just won’t taste as good, but you may be surprised, and your toddler probably won’t even notice the change because their brains are not yet wired to automatically judge a food by its’ label.

If swapping is too much or you want even more easy nutrition, sprinkle these on your food:

Wheat Germ: rich in vitamin E, folic acid, and B vitamins. Nutty flavor.

Hemp hearts: rich in Omega fats and protein. Nutty flavor.

Nutritional Yeast: Must for vegans, full of B12, iron, zinc, fiber. Has a cheesy flavor.

Chia Seeds: protein, fiber, Omega-3 fatty acids.

Happy Swapping!

“When Are You Going Back to Work?”

These days the idea of “feminism” has covered new grounds with strong voices on what a woman should and should not be able to do. Women should be able to do whatever they want, whenever they want, with whoever they want?….Right? So why is it that when I say I am a stay-at-home-mom, one of the first questions I get is, “When are you going back to work”?
To be fair, I am in law school and when I started law school I did not think that I could possibly take the bar exam and then not seek a job afterwards. But that very well may be the case.
Why? I have a one-year-old daughter. Soon after my husband and I got married I found out that I have PCOS and therefore have fertility issues. We tried naturally and failed. We tried with the help of my OB-GYN and failed. Finally we saw a specialist and were going to undergo a different set of procedures and all of a sudden it happened all on its’ own. I was pregnant without any help of a doctor. But that took a year and a half to happen.
So now here I am, finishing up law school, and I have not worked since I had my daughter. I also have to say that if we financially needed me to work I would, in a heart beat. But we are fortunate that my husband can provide for us which means I have been able to spend 14 amazing months home with my daughter; helping her learn, taking care of her, playing with her, listening to her contagious laugh. And I want another baby, soon.
The ability to get pregnant decreases the older you are; add fertility issues to that and it could be even harder for me the longer I wait. Sure there are a bunch of doctor administered ways you can get pregnant if need be, but coming from someone who had to do all that extra testing and almost had to take those types of measures: it’s not fun. It’s stressful and emotional and can take a toll on your relationship.
So I am choosing baby #2 over getting a job. And people, especially women around my age who do not have kids, don’t seem to understand why. Women today are so focused on careers and finding themselves through traveling and stranger sex that I think the idea of family is forgotten or looked down upon as a priority at 27.
It’s not that I don’t want to use my degree. It’s that having a family is more important to me. My priority is my children, born and unborn. I want to be young enough to enjoy them in the healthiest way I can, I want to be young enough to give myself the best chance of getting pregnant, I want to be young enough so that I can be at my grandkids weddings, I want to be young enough so that when all my kids are grown my husband and I will still be relatively young and can go vacay.
Choosing babies over work is not a copp-out. Any stay-at-home mom will tell you this shit is exhausting. But having the ability to be the one home with my kids is a luxury I am not willing to just ignore. My choice does not make me less of an ambitious millennial woman. If anything I am contributing to this idea of “feminism” by taking every day that I have to ensure that I am raising a strong, smart, confident woman for the next generation.